This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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