My friends, they love my intelligence
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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