She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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