I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
