You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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