This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
