we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
