And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
