she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
