I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize