The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
