In America we eat man semen.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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