The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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