Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
