i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He passed out mid-signature
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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