i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
