Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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