you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize