i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
