oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
