1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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