This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Boobs are out for the taking
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize