we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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