Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
