the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
