FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
