Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
