I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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