She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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