HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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