Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You took a bar mat shot.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
