I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
should my penis look like a turkey
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
