"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
