You're a womanizer and a bitch.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
