i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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