new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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