She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
