I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize