he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize