They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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