I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
