I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
