and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize