Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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