First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
