no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want her autograph on my taint
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
