I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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