I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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