apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
