I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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