Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
