thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Someone came in the potted fern
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
