why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
