I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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