good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
