Your face is a jimmy john
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
