A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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