I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
