I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
