I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
