also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
